I really don't know what's better...

Sham Wow

Amish Fireplace

Barack Obama Gold Plate

In these tough economic times, it's tough to decide which of these late night infomercial product is best for me, the consumer, to blow my cash on. I mean, on my budget I can't just go around at 2 AM in drunken stupor blowing coke off a hooker's ass and calling every 1-800-Buy-Shit number that comes on the TV to acquire more gardening supplies from the angry, excessively hairy fat man that screams at me between episodes of Cops...anymore.

But seriously, how am I to decide? Well, I'll try to act like any Econ 101's textbook consumer and be rational about this.

The Amish Electric Fireplace seems like a great addition to any home. It's cozy, it will keep you warm, and it was built by people who don't even use electricity. As quaint as that may seem, I don't know that I want a bunch of people who still ride on horseback telling me how I ought to be decorating my home. Besides, with the economy the way it is, I might not even have a home soon enough. What do you expect me to do with my electric fireplace then? Sure, I can take it to my camp out behind the liquorstore and hide it in my dumpster with all the belongings that used to matter to me....but where do you expect me to plug it in?

So the Fireplace is out. But, with the falling value of the dollar the Barack Obama Gold Plate may seem like a good investment. I mean, gold is a commodity that's been around for years, and retains value. Sure, someday you may have to send it off to Cash4Gold.com, and let them literally melt the president's face into a yellow sea of cash for half of market value, but if our economy hasn't bounced back by the time he's leaving office, maybe you wouldn't feel so bad about that after all. But, with the beginnings of World War III breaking out in the Middle East, I don't know how much protection you, the consumer, is going to get from a commemorative plate.

So let's trash the plate, but you know what I bet could protect me through a terrorist attack? A ShamWow! Yes, that's right. The ShamWow is now able to be worn as a heat resistant cloak in the case of a bomb explosion, and acts as a radiation suit so you get get through the nuclear aftermath safe, sound...and unbelievably dry. Just apply the ShamWow to any approaching radioactive sludge, and it hold 20X it's own weight in uranium. That's right, 50% of the uranium will come up without even applying pressure. The government could blanket the US in ShamWows right now and save us all from ever having to worry about biological warfare, because ShamWow will suck up any infectious disease it touches. Besides that, it's really great for doing my dishes.